God is Good......All the time.

After 2 years of trying to get pregnant I finally know why it hasn't happened. I had a test done on Friday that told us what was going on. I must warn you that this is a little graphic but it is what it is.... Apparently, my cervical mucus is killing my hubby's swimmers. Sounds bad but turns out this is a good thing. At least we know what the problem is now and it seems to be an easy fix. We will do an IUI in January. For those of you who don't know....IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. This will bypass the cervix. Hopefully, this will work and we will have a Baby Hughes within the next year. Please say a prayer for us. We have been waiting on this for soooo long.

And the results are in!!!

I had my HSG done on Tuesday and everything looked great!! My doctor said my uterus and fallopian tubes were textbook!!! Woohoo!!! My husband had his S/A done yesterday and we got the results back this morning. Let's just say when it comes to his count, he is definitely an over-achiever! haha His count and motility were both above-average! We are thrilled! While we still have a long way to go (well, I have to go through some more testing) we are so happy to get positive results from both of these tests. We were both very nervous. In the midst of all these tests and the years of pain and suffering, I have to take a minute to thank God for blessing me with my husband and, believe it or not, infertility. As I have said a billion times, infertility has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But.....it has brought my husband and I so much closer than I ever thought possible. We have a deeper love for each other, a better understanding of each other and deeper respect for each other. I heard a song the other day for the first time and absolutely loved it. Marriage is so hard at times and this song describes it so well. Thank you God for blessing my marriage and thank you Josh for being the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for. I love you.

Hope you enjoy this song as much as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtTa81LyuQM

Hoping for some answers....

Well, thanks to the good Lord up above, I got through the last couple of weeks and managed to hang on to what sanity I have left. The beginning of every cycle is the most horrific pain. You always think the next cycle will be easier to swallow but it never is. Hopefully one day that will change but I'm definitely not holding my breath.

The good news is I finally saw a new doctor and I am already feeling better about this whole process. I feel like I finally have some direction and we will finally get some answers as to what is causing our infertility. We have a lot of different tests scheduled for the next few weeks. I am going tomorrow to have an HSG. They will send some dye into my tubes and uterus to check for any blockages, fibroids, etc. I'm not looking forward to this because I have heard it is not very comfortable but at least I will finally get some answers. Some long awaited answers. We have a few other tests to schedule over the next few weeks. I will go back to my doctor in early January to discuss the results. Hopefully we will find out what the problem is and what we can do to fix it.

So tired....

I am sooo tired of this. The disappointment continues month after month. I'm really starting to wonder just how much one person can take. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind here. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of wanting to avoid my friends for fear that I might have to suffer through yet another story about their children. I'm tired of feeling left out because my friends share a common bond that I don't. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. I'm tired of taking my temperature every single morning, getting my hopes up when it shoots up and then having my hopes come crashing down on top of me when it drops the next day. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle where the pain is just about unbearable. I'm back in that place where I don't want to be around ANYONE. I don't want to go to work and I don't want to see my friends. I just want to sit at home alone and cry. Although I know it isn't the case, I feel like God is punishing me. I don't understand this path he has had me on for almost 4 years now. 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Can you even imagine trying to get pregnant for 4 years? Seeing everyone you know get pregnant, watching them have their babies, and then seeing them get pregnant with their second child???!!! Excruciating. My heart has never been so broken. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever get past this. What if God never gives me the child that I so desparately long for? What will I do? How will I cope? Will I ever be the person I used to be before infertility?

If you are reading this and have never dealt with infertility then I am sorry you are having to read this rant as I'm sure you can't relate to this at all. If you are suffering with infertility, I hope you don't let my bad attitude today get you down. I surely don't intend to do that. But unfortunately I don't really have anyone to talk to about this who truly understands, so getting my frustrations out on this blog seems to be my only option for now. I hope that I'm just having a bad couple of days and that I will feel better after Thursday. I'm going to see a new doctor and praying with everything I have that he will be able to help me. I just don't know how much more I can take...

A Day in the Life of the Infertile Woman......

Many of you have probably already seen this video, but I feel it necessary to share. This video says it all.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

What God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility...

I found this post on a random blog and thought it was wonderfully written.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

I realize God knows what he's doing. I haven't been forsaken or forgotten. I'm still learning through this process. I just pray that I'm on the downhill side of this lesson.....I'm tired, but I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, and that we'll get through this and come out better for it in the end.

The Truth Hurts.....

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I've come to terms with this whole infertility thing and it doesn't bother me anymore. To be honest, it seems like every month gets harder instead of easier. I keep waiting and praying for this epiphany where one morning I wake up and decide that I'm ok with life without children. But that hasn't happened yet and I'm having a very difficult time.

Infertility is something that you just never see coming. Your whole life you see people getting pregnant "accidentally." And you just always assume that when "you" are ready, it will just happen. Fortunately, for most people it does. They decide they are ready start a family and they get exactly what they want in the time frame they want it. But then there is that small percentage of people who pray and pray and pray and try and try and try and it just never seems to happen. I have literally had to watch over 30 close friends or relatives have babies over the past 3 1/2 years since I miscarried. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I get so angry and envious of these people who I care deeply about. I don't want to hear about their children, or how miserable they are being pregnant, or how they are going to decorate their nursery, or what they are going to name the baby, or........I could go on and on but all it does is make me sound like a horrible person. And that is the worst thing about infertility. You have all of these feelings building up inside and you don't know where they are coming from or what to do with them. No one talks about it. And after a while, no one wants to hear about it anymore.

I truly believe that most women who suffer from infertility have the same feelings that I do. Most women are just scared to say it because they don't want people to know how they are feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to cope with this. My 30th birthday is in a few months and all I can think about is being 30 and not having any children yet. I know that I am so blessed with so many wonderful things in my life that I don't deserve.......so why am I so obsessed over this??? Hopefully one day I will figure out the answer to that question, but until then I will just continue to pray. If you are going through infertility, NEVER stop praying. HE is the only way to get through such a difficult time.....no matter what the outcome may be. I have to remind myself of this every day.

Time for a trip to the doctor....

So after a year of trying to conceive I decided to go see my OB/GYN to ask a few questions and get his opinion on our situation. He didn't seem concerned at all and actually told me to give it a couple of more months. He said that if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months to call and schedule an appointment with the infertility doctor. Wait a minute......the infertility doctor? Apparently, once you have tried to conceive naturally for one year with no luck you are considered infertile.

So, three months (and tons of tears) passed and we still weren't pregnant. I made the dreaded appointment with the infertility doctor. I was so nervous, anxious and excited about the appointment. The thought of what might be wrong was scaring me to death......but hoping that this would finally be the end of my "trying to conceive" journey was exciting. Boy was I wrong. It was only the beginning.

My first appointment was basically just a consultation with the nurse. She went over all the potential problems with couples who are having trouble getting pregnant. She seemed very optimistic for us because, after all, we had gotten pregnant before. The next appointment was just a bunch of bloodwork. I found out that I was no longer immune to whooping cough and had to get a vaccine......which meant we couldn't try for a month. (A month seems like a year when you are "ttc".) They also told me that my Estrogen seemed to be a little low. They said that was not a big deal and they would probably just start me on Clomid. I had heard of Clomid before and was sooooo excited about it. Everyone I talked to that had taken Clomid had gotten pregnant within 3 months. Yayyyy!!!!! It's finally going to happen. I will be pregnant in no time and this will all be behind me......

I took Clomid for three months and even did an HCG shot with it the third month. Nothing.....except for the most horrible mood swings you could possibly imagine. I'm surprised my marriage didn't fall apart in the process. I never in a million years could have imagined the stress and strain that infertility could put on a marriage. This was supposed to be fun and exciting. But it turned into anger, jealousy, resentment, sadness, and depression. I finallly got to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. I just wanted to sit at home by myself and cry. Everywhere I went I was surrounded by pregnant women. I couldn't get away from them. I had become a person that I never thought I could be.

What do we do now?

So after I miscarried my husband and I figured that we would get back on track with our initial plan and wait a little while before we started actually "trying." We bought a new house and started getting settled in. About a year went by and my husband told me that he was ready to start trying. I was ecstatic! I remember it like it was only yesterday. We were sitting on our front porch on a beautiful day. I was so happy when he told me that tears just started streaming down my face. (Those who know me well know that tears are not hard for me to come by....lol.) So we were off......we were going to start a family......just like everyone else.

A few months went by with excited anticipation. All of my siblings already had children and I couldn't wait to give them a new cousin. All of my friends were having their first baby and I was avidly attending baby showers and births. So exciting....with every one I attended I could just picture myself sitting there with a huge, pregnant belly opening gifts for our new bundle of joy. I often thought about waking my husband up in the middle of the night saying, "It's time." I could just see us rushing off to the hospital and calling our parents on the way telling them their new grandchild was about to make his/her grand appearance in this world.

As the months went on I tried to stay positive knowing that it takes some couples up to a year to conceive. But as I would soon find out, time flies by when you are trying to conceive. Before I knew it we had hit the one year mark and the anticipation started to become an obsession. Having a baby was ALL I could think about. I probably took 8-10 pregnancy tests a month just praying that eventually one of them would be positive. But none of them ever were. I can't even tell you how many times I've sat in my bathroom floor and cried. I just couldn't understand it. I saw all of my friends deciding they wanted to start a family and they would get pregnant after only a few months of trying. So of course I start asking myself the dreaded questions...."Is there something wrong with me?"......"Is there something wrong with my husband?"......or even worse "Could it be both of us?" But in my mind I would always go back to the words of my doctor who I absolutely loved and trusted...."Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now."

My story....

I am starting this blog for every woman out there who is struggling with infertility. I am struggling with it myself and need some sort of outlet. I guess I should begin by telling my story.

My husband and I met 5 years ago this New Year's at the beach. He was working down there and I went down for the holiday with a few friends. One of my friends had known my husband for years and knew he was down there working. He decided to go visit him on New Year's Day. We met that day and were inseparable from then on. He moved back home in March and we were married the following year in July.

We were not planning on having children right away. We wanted to wait a few years and have some time for ourselves. Well, we "accidentally" conceived and at the time I was devastated. All the thoughts that went through my head..... We weren't planning this..... We aren't ready for this..... We can't afford this.....

It was Mother's Day when we found out. Eight weeks later I miscarried. Needless to say, we were both pretty devasted. Even though we weren't exactly planning this pregnancy, we immediately went into prep mode.....what would we name the baby, would it be a boy or a girl, how should we decorate the nursery.......then BAM!!!, just like that, all our hopes and dreams came crashing down. I will never forget my due date.....it was January 14th....exactly one week after my birthday. Oddly enough, I'll never forget what my doctor said to me when he told me that I was going to miscarry......he looked right in my teary, red eyes and said, "Well, at least you know that you can get pregnant now." I never knew how often I would think about those words he said to me. That was 3 1/2 years ago and I've never been able to conceive since.

To be continued.....