Well, I'd be lying if I said that I've come to terms with this whole infertility thing and it doesn't bother me anymore. To be honest, it seems like every month gets harder instead of easier. I keep waiting and praying for this epiphany where one morning I wake up and decide that I'm ok with life without children. But that hasn't happened yet and I'm having a very difficult time.
Infertility is something that you just never see coming. Your whole life you see people getting pregnant "accidentally." And you just always assume that when "you" are ready, it will just happen. Fortunately, for most people it does. They decide they are ready start a family and they get exactly what they want in the time frame they want it. But then there is that small percentage of people who pray and pray and pray and try and try and try and it just never seems to happen. I have literally had to watch over 30 close friends or relatives have babies over the past 3 1/2 years since I miscarried. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I get so angry and envious of these people who I care deeply about. I don't want to hear about their children, or how miserable they are being pregnant, or how they are going to decorate their nursery, or what they are going to name the baby, or........I could go on and on but all it does is make me sound like a horrible person. And that is the worst thing about infertility. You have all of these feelings building up inside and you don't know where they are coming from or what to do with them. No one talks about it. And after a while, no one wants to hear about it anymore.
I truly believe that most women who suffer from infertility have the same feelings that I do. Most women are just scared to say it because they don't want people to know how they are feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to cope with this. My 30th birthday is in a few months and all I can think about is being 30 and not having any children yet. I know that I am so blessed with so many wonderful things in my life that I don't deserve.......so why am I so obsessed over this??? Hopefully one day I will figure out the answer to that question, but until then I will just continue to pray. If you are going through infertility, NEVER stop praying. HE is the only way to get through such a difficult time.....no matter what the outcome may be. I have to remind myself of this every day.
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