So tired....

I am sooo tired of this. The disappointment continues month after month. I'm really starting to wonder just how much one person can take. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind here. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of wanting to avoid my friends for fear that I might have to suffer through yet another story about their children. I'm tired of feeling left out because my friends share a common bond that I don't. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. I'm tired of taking my temperature every single morning, getting my hopes up when it shoots up and then having my hopes come crashing down on top of me when it drops the next day. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle where the pain is just about unbearable. I'm back in that place where I don't want to be around ANYONE. I don't want to go to work and I don't want to see my friends. I just want to sit at home alone and cry. Although I know it isn't the case, I feel like God is punishing me. I don't understand this path he has had me on for almost 4 years now. 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Can you even imagine trying to get pregnant for 4 years? Seeing everyone you know get pregnant, watching them have their babies, and then seeing them get pregnant with their second child???!!! Excruciating. My heart has never been so broken. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever get past this. What if God never gives me the child that I so desparately long for? What will I do? How will I cope? Will I ever be the person I used to be before infertility?

If you are reading this and have never dealt with infertility then I am sorry you are having to read this rant as I'm sure you can't relate to this at all. If you are suffering with infertility, I hope you don't let my bad attitude today get you down. I surely don't intend to do that. But unfortunately I don't really have anyone to talk to about this who truly understands, so getting my frustrations out on this blog seems to be my only option for now. I hope that I'm just having a bad couple of days and that I will feel better after Thursday. I'm going to see a new doctor and praying with everything I have that he will be able to help me. I just don't know how much more I can take...