I give up..

Let me start by saying that this is not going to be an inspirational post by any means.  While I don't wish for anyone struggling with infertility to feel this way, it is just simply the way I'm feeling right now.  Simply put, I GIVE UP.  I'm tired of "trying".  I'm tired of people telling me that "it will happen".  Unfortunately, I don't believe that anymore.  I've tried to get pregnant for so long that I can't even it imagine it actually happening for me.  I used to sit and daydream about being fat and feeling nauseated (hard to imagine someone actually daydreaming about these things).  But for me it has been a sad reality.  I would give anything to experience the so-called agony that pregnant women experience.  It's not that I've lost my faith in God, it's just that I'm coming to terms with reality.  Obviously it's not His plan for me to have children.  I can't get pregnant and I can't afford adoption.  I'll never understand why women who have no business having children can have as many as they want (or don't want for that matter).  I'll never understand why I see so many women who have so much faith in God, try their best to be good women (while never claiming to be good) and who pray without ceasing never get their miracle.  It doesn't make any sense to me and it never will.  I can only hope that one day, when I meet my maker face to face, that He will explain it to me.  Or maybe at that point I won't even care.  What a day that would be - to really not care anymore.  The desire to be a mommy will never leave my heart.  I have prayed so many times for God to take this desire away from me but unfortunately it is still there.  So I just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me.  I have to be happy for others who get pregnant so easily because it just makes me look like an awful person if I'm not.  Infertilitly sure is a tricky little sucker.  Just when you think you have come so far and grown so much - BAM!!!!! - these feelings of anger, jealously, resentment, sadness and envy come creeping right back up on you.  And the saddest part of it all is that there is no one to turn to.  No one understands.  The only way I can get my feelings out is to type them on this blog as if I'm in 2nd grade again writing in my diary. So to sum up my pity party - Dear Diary:  I GIVE UP!! 

Words to live by..

If we could all remind ourselves of this everyday, it would make our lives so much easier...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Long time, no post...

Well, it's been a while. Haven't had much to report on the infertility front. My father was in the hospital for three weeks so I have spent much of my time with my parents lately. We haven't done any more IUI's. We just decided to take a break from baby-making for a while. I have a peace knowing that God is still in control and His plan is what's best for my life. Still praying that His plan includes a baby for us but so thankful that He is holding me in His arms until that day arrives. :)

Favor

Please pray for me. Thank you.

No go...

Well, I honestly didn't believe I would have to make this post. But, unfortunately, here I sit with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. The IUI did not work for us this time. I am trying to stay positive but the first day is always the hardest. The heartache is almost unbearable and the cramps don't make it any easier. I'm not really sure where this road is taking me but I'm hopeful that I will come to the end of it soon. Right now I'm just praying for God to mend my broken heart and give me peace to get through today......because that is the only way to get through this......one day at a time. As much as I am hurting right now it so comforting to know that He is with me. His Word tells us that He is right there with us during hard times......even though we feel like he is so far removed that we may never feel His presence again. Here are just a few examples of scripture that tell us this.

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39

When I started typing this post I was in tears and didn't want to face the day. But after reading through His Word to find these verses, I am already starting to feel the peace that I am praying for. I'm not saying that the next few days will not still be hard, but they will be a little easier knowing that I serve such a loving God.

Mother's Day IUI

We had our first IUI on Mother's Day!! How awesome is that??!! Everything went well and we are just having to wait it out to see if it worked. I go back to the doctor on Monday to have my Progesterone checked which will confirm ovulation. I am praying without ceasing that God is knitting our baby in my womb right this very minute. And, as he tells us to do in His Word, I am already thanking Him for it!! I'll let you all know as soon as I know!!! Please keep us in your prayers!!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD..” 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Let the Countdown Begin!!

Well, today is Cycle Day 1!!! I am doing my first IUI this cycle and I am very excited about it!!! My sister and her husband surprised me a few weeks ago with a blank check to cover the cost of the IUI!! I am so thankful that God put it on their hearts to do something so kind!! And so thankful that they agreed to do it!! I could never thank them enough for doing this for us. We are so excited that we could potentially be expecting in just a few short weeks! As I said in my last post, I have decided that I am going to BELIEVE that this is going happen, no matter what. I believe that God has a plan and that it involves me and my husband becoming parents. I am truly blessed to serve such an amazing God!!

Good Friday!

There are really only a few words to reflect upon over this upcoming weekend....

"He is not here, He has risen...." Matthew 28:6

Praise you God!!!

Answers to Life's Questions

I try my best to read my Bible in the mornings before I start my day. I am amazed at how much better I handle things that come at me during the day when I do this. I still haven't read through the entire Bible yet (ashamed to say that when I am 30 years old.....I have had more than enough time) but I have completely read through the New Testament. I was reading my daily Proverb this morning and decided to read a little bit more. I turned to Mark and read a verse that I have read numerous times. But something different happened to me when I read it this morning. It was one of those moments where a light bulb went off in my head and I said, "Yes!", that is the answer. All this time I have been doubting God. That is very hard to admit, but that is exactly what I've been doing. Mark 11:22-25 says this:

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

I have to believe with all my heart that God is going to bless me with a child. And from now on that is exactly the attitude that I will have. Granted, there will still be hard days but I have to know that "If I believe it, I will receive it." God is so good. Some days we just seem to forget that we can find the answers to any of life's questions in His Word! How awesome is that?!

Down but not out..

Well, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't really had much to say about infertility lately. I had gotten to a really good place where I just wasn't thinking about it as much. I knew we had a plan in place and felt good about it. My husband and I took a much needed vacation to Gatlinburg in February and had a GREAT time! But as we were leaving Gatlinburg and driving down the Parkway I think we both had the same feeling inside. We have gone to Gatlinburg the past three years in a row. This last trip was just different. Like I said, we had a great time but it just felt like something was missing. As we were leaving my husband said, "I think we should probably wait to come back to Gatlinburg once we have kids." I couldn't have agreed more. I knew it was going to be a little bit before we could do the IUI but now I'm starting to get a little antsy. I am so scared to do it because if it doesn't work I'm afraid I will have to be put in a mental institution. But, at the same time, I have a peace about it knowing that God's perfect plan for my life will take place no matter what. I think we are going to be able to do the first IUI in May. So, fingers crossed and prayers going on up that it will work and our family will finally be complete. I'll keep you all posted on our progress.

Welcome to our home, Berni!

We added a new member to our family yesterday. He is a 2 year old mini-schnauzer. My cousin is moving to Germany and won't be able to take him. So, after careful consideration, we decided to adopt Berni. He is such a great dog!! He was already crate trained and house trained so all the hard work is pretty much done. We just get to love on him!! Last night was his first night with us and you would have thought he'd been with us from the beginning. He is that good of a dog! We were sad to take him from his family because we know that they loved him sooo much but we are so happy and blessed to make him a part of ours. Thanks to Cindy and Mark for letting us adopt their precious Berni!!

Scripture

As I have been going through infertility, I stumbled upon a few websites for women struggling with it. In some ways it helped to know that I'm not alone. But, it has also broken my heart to see so many of these women struggling without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal saviour. I am from the South so I use to assume that everyone was a Christian.....everyone I knew was. But as I have gotten older, and especially in the past 5 years or so, I have realized that I was so wrong. I don't how people can deal with life without having Jesus walk with them. I have also realized that people who aren't saved get very angry if you even mention Christianity. It truly saddens me. But, the Bible tells me that this is the way it is going to be. So, with that being said, I just want to share some scripture that helps me get through the hard times. And let me also say, "Thank you Lord so very, very much for the trials and tribulations in my life. They only make my relationship with you stronger and nothing could be better than that."

James 1:2-18

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

I think I have finally reached numbness....

Well, I have officially said goodbye to my 20's and anxiously look forward to my 30's. They say your 30's are the best years of your life, so here's hoping that "they" are right. I get excited about my thirties when I think that I might get to experience parenthood. But the thought of it not happening makes my thirties a little less exciting. I know I should just be thankful that I am so blessed but sometimes it's harder than others.

I had been doing pretty good with everything for a bit. Finally getting an answer as to what has been causing our infertility was really good for me. Since we couldn't really afford to do the IUI right now, I decided to take a few months off of the "ttc" mindset. I have started working out again and already feel so much better. I actually have energy again.

But, it seems like every time I think I have finally dealt with this whole thing someone else I know gets pregnant. It's just weird. In this case, I already had an overwhelming feeling that my neighbor was pregnant. But when I got the official news last night I felt the same mixed emotions as usual. So, so, so happy for her (they have struggled with infertility as well) but sadness deep inside for me. I still think I have come a long way because I didn't have meltdown and start crying uncontrollably. But, I was just about to fall asleep when I got the text and my eyes immediately popped wide open and I could not go to sleep. It was a very odd feeling. I just felt numb. I just thought to myself, "Really?" It's strange because I'm so used to everyone around me getting pregnant that I almost expect it now. It's pretty much like clockwork. Each time a friend who is already pregnant gets close to their due date, another one announces they are expecting. If I ever hear of anyone else having trouble getting pregnant (which is very rare), I tell them just to hang around me for a little while and it will happen for them. And it does....

I don't know what God has planned for me. I can only keep praying that he will see my broken heart and heal it. Because after all, "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." How true.....

The Big 3-0

Well, tomorrow is the day I've been dreading for a little while now. I will turn 30. I can't believe it. It seriously seems like only yesterday I was starting high school. But, it wasn't yesterday. It was a loooong time ago and I guess I better get used to it.

I never thought 30 would bother me. I'm pretty sure that not having any children yet is the only reason I'm letting it get to me so badly. I just thought for sure that I would have them by now. Oh well.

Today is Cycle Day 6 for me. I was supposed to do my first IUI next week, but the chances of that are looking pretty slim right now. Unfortunately, I just really can't afford it. It's not expensive when you compare it to IVF but it is when you compare it to my bank account. haha. But, I figure that if it was meant to be then I will come up with the money somehow. And if not then I'll just wait until I can find a way to pay for it. The waiting game continues......