I think I have finally reached numbness....

Well, I have officially said goodbye to my 20's and anxiously look forward to my 30's. They say your 30's are the best years of your life, so here's hoping that "they" are right. I get excited about my thirties when I think that I might get to experience parenthood. But the thought of it not happening makes my thirties a little less exciting. I know I should just be thankful that I am so blessed but sometimes it's harder than others.

I had been doing pretty good with everything for a bit. Finally getting an answer as to what has been causing our infertility was really good for me. Since we couldn't really afford to do the IUI right now, I decided to take a few months off of the "ttc" mindset. I have started working out again and already feel so much better. I actually have energy again.

But, it seems like every time I think I have finally dealt with this whole thing someone else I know gets pregnant. It's just weird. In this case, I already had an overwhelming feeling that my neighbor was pregnant. But when I got the official news last night I felt the same mixed emotions as usual. So, so, so happy for her (they have struggled with infertility as well) but sadness deep inside for me. I still think I have come a long way because I didn't have meltdown and start crying uncontrollably. But, I was just about to fall asleep when I got the text and my eyes immediately popped wide open and I could not go to sleep. It was a very odd feeling. I just felt numb. I just thought to myself, "Really?" It's strange because I'm so used to everyone around me getting pregnant that I almost expect it now. It's pretty much like clockwork. Each time a friend who is already pregnant gets close to their due date, another one announces they are expecting. If I ever hear of anyone else having trouble getting pregnant (which is very rare), I tell them just to hang around me for a little while and it will happen for them. And it does....

I don't know what God has planned for me. I can only keep praying that he will see my broken heart and heal it. Because after all, "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." How true.....