Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians 4:6

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Time for a trip to the doctor....

So after a year of trying to conceive I decided to go see my OB/GYN to ask a few questions and get his opinion on our situation. He didn't seem concerned at all and actually told me to give it a couple of more months. He said that if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months to call and schedule an appointment with the infertility doctor. Wait a minute......the infertility doctor? Apparently, once you have tried to conceive naturally for one year with no luck you are considered infertile.

So, three months (and tons of tears) passed and we still weren't pregnant. I made the dreaded appointment with the infertility doctor. I was so nervous, anxious and excited about the appointment. The thought of what might be wrong was scaring me to death......but hoping that this would finally be the end of my "trying to conceive" journey was exciting. Boy was I wrong. It was only the beginning.

My first appointment was basically just a consultation with the nurse. She went over all the potential problems with couples who are having trouble getting pregnant. She seemed very optimistic for us because, after all, we had gotten pregnant before. The next appointment was just a bunch of bloodwork. I found out that I was no longer immune to whooping cough and had to get a vaccine......which meant we couldn't try for a month. (A month seems like a year when you are "ttc".) They also told me that my Estrogen seemed to be a little low. They said that was not a big deal and they would probably just start me on Clomid. I had heard of Clomid before and was sooooo excited about it. Everyone I talked to that had taken Clomid had gotten pregnant within 3 months. Yayyyy!!!!! It's finally going to happen. I will be pregnant in no time and this will all be behind me......

I took Clomid for three months and even did an HCG shot with it the third month. Nothing.....except for the most horrible mood swings you could possibly imagine. I'm surprised my marriage didn't fall apart in the process. I never in a million years could have imagined the stress and strain that infertility could put on a marriage. This was supposed to be fun and exciting. But it turned into anger, jealousy, resentment, sadness, and depression. I finallly got to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. I just wanted to sit at home by myself and cry. Everywhere I went I was surrounded by pregnant women. I couldn't get away from them. I had become a person that I never thought I could be.

Friday, October 8, 2010

What do we do now?

So after I miscarried my husband and I figured that we would get back on track with our initial plan and wait a little while before we started actually "trying." We bought a new house and started getting settled in. About a year went by and my husband told me that he was ready to start trying. I was ecstatic! I remember it like it was only yesterday. We were sitting on our front porch on a beautiful day. I was so happy when he told me that tears just started streaming down my face. (Those who know me well know that tears are not hard for me to come by....lol.) So we were off......we were going to start a family......just like everyone else.

A few months went by with excited anticipation. All of my siblings already had children and I couldn't wait to give them a new cousin. All of my friends were having their first baby and I was avidly attending baby showers and births. So exciting....with every one I attended I could just picture myself sitting there with a huge, pregnant belly opening gifts for our new bundle of joy. I often thought about waking my husband up in the middle of the night saying, "It's time." I could just see us rushing off to the hospital and calling our parents on the way telling them their new grandchild was about to make his/her grand appearance in this world.

As the months went on I tried to stay positive knowing that it takes some couples up to a year to conceive. But as I would soon find out, time flies by when you are trying to conceive. Before I knew it we had hit the one year mark and the anticipation started to become an obsession. Having a baby was ALL I could think about. I probably took 8-10 pregnancy tests a month just praying that eventually one of them would be positive. But none of them ever were. I can't even tell you how many times I've sat in my bathroom floor and cried. I just couldn't understand it. I saw all of my friends deciding they wanted to start a family and they would get pregnant after only a few months of trying. So of course I start asking myself the dreaded questions...."Is there something wrong with me?"......"Is there something wrong with my husband?"......or even worse "Could it be both of us?" But in my mind I would always go back to the words of my doctor who I absolutely loved and trusted...."Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

My story....

I am starting this blog for every woman out there who is struggling with infertility. I am struggling with it myself and need some sort of outlet. I guess I should begin by telling my story.

My husband and I met 5 years ago this New Year's at the beach. He was working down there and I went down for the holiday with a few friends. One of my friends had known my husband for years and knew he was down there working. He decided to go visit him on New Year's Day. We met that day and were inseparable from then on. He moved back home in March and we were married the following year in July.

We were not planning on having children right away. We wanted to wait a few years and have some time for ourselves. Well, we "accidentally" conceived and at the time I was devastated. All the thoughts that went through my head..... We weren't planning this..... We aren't ready for this..... We can't afford this.....

It was Mother's Day when we found out. Eight weeks later I miscarried. Needless to say, we were both pretty devasted. Even though we weren't exactly planning this pregnancy, we immediately went into prep mode.....what would we name the baby, would it be a boy or a girl, how should we decorate the nursery.......then BAM!!!, just like that, all our hopes and dreams came crashing down. I will never forget my due date.....it was January 14th....exactly one week after my birthday. Oddly enough, I'll never forget what my doctor said to me when he told me that I was going to miscarry......he looked right in my teary, red eyes and said, "Well, at least you know that you can get pregnant now." I never knew how often I would think about those words he said to me. That was 3 1/2 years ago and I've never been able to conceive since.

To be continued.....