Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians 4:6

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

So tired....

I am sooo tired of this. The disappointment continues month after month. I'm really starting to wonder just how much one person can take. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind here. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of wanting to avoid my friends for fear that I might have to suffer through yet another story about their children. I'm tired of feeling left out because my friends share a common bond that I don't. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. I'm tired of taking my temperature every single morning, getting my hopes up when it shoots up and then having my hopes come crashing down on top of me when it drops the next day. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle where the pain is just about unbearable. I'm back in that place where I don't want to be around ANYONE. I don't want to go to work and I don't want to see my friends. I just want to sit at home alone and cry. Although I know it isn't the case, I feel like God is punishing me. I don't understand this path he has had me on for almost 4 years now. 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Can you even imagine trying to get pregnant for 4 years? Seeing everyone you know get pregnant, watching them have their babies, and then seeing them get pregnant with their second child???!!! Excruciating. My heart has never been so broken. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever get past this. What if God never gives me the child that I so desparately long for? What will I do? How will I cope? Will I ever be the person I used to be before infertility?

If you are reading this and have never dealt with infertility then I am sorry you are having to read this rant as I'm sure you can't relate to this at all. If you are suffering with infertility, I hope you don't let my bad attitude today get you down. I surely don't intend to do that. But unfortunately I don't really have anyone to talk to about this who truly understands, so getting my frustrations out on this blog seems to be my only option for now. I hope that I'm just having a bad couple of days and that I will feel better after Thursday. I'm going to see a new doctor and praying with everything I have that he will be able to help me. I just don't know how much more I can take...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility...

I found this post on a random blog and thought it was wonderfully written.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

I realize God knows what he's doing. I haven't been forsaken or forgotten. I'm still learning through this process. I just pray that I'm on the downhill side of this lesson.....I'm tired, but I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, and that we'll get through this and come out better for it in the end.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Truth Hurts.....

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I've come to terms with this whole infertility thing and it doesn't bother me anymore. To be honest, it seems like every month gets harder instead of easier. I keep waiting and praying for this epiphany where one morning I wake up and decide that I'm ok with life without children. But that hasn't happened yet and I'm having a very difficult time.

Infertility is something that you just never see coming. Your whole life you see people getting pregnant "accidentally." And you just always assume that when "you" are ready, it will just happen. Fortunately, for most people it does. They decide they are ready start a family and they get exactly what they want in the time frame they want it. But then there is that small percentage of people who pray and pray and pray and try and try and try and it just never seems to happen. I have literally had to watch over 30 close friends or relatives have babies over the past 3 1/2 years since I miscarried. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I get so angry and envious of these people who I care deeply about. I don't want to hear about their children, or how miserable they are being pregnant, or how they are going to decorate their nursery, or what they are going to name the baby, or........I could go on and on but all it does is make me sound like a horrible person. And that is the worst thing about infertility. You have all of these feelings building up inside and you don't know where they are coming from or what to do with them. No one talks about it. And after a while, no one wants to hear about it anymore.

I truly believe that most women who suffer from infertility have the same feelings that I do. Most women are just scared to say it because they don't want people to know how they are feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to cope with this. My 30th birthday is in a few months and all I can think about is being 30 and not having any children yet. I know that I am so blessed with so many wonderful things in my life that I don't deserve.......so why am I so obsessed over this??? Hopefully one day I will figure out the answer to that question, but until then I will just continue to pray. If you are going through infertility, NEVER stop praying. HE is the only way to get through such a difficult time.....no matter what the outcome may be. I have to remind myself of this every day.