Words to live by..

If we could all remind ourselves of this everyday, it would make our lives so much easier...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Long time, no post...

Well, it's been a while. Haven't had much to report on the infertility front. My father was in the hospital for three weeks so I have spent much of my time with my parents lately. We haven't done any more IUI's. We just decided to take a break from baby-making for a while. I have a peace knowing that God is still in control and His plan is what's best for my life. Still praying that His plan includes a baby for us but so thankful that He is holding me in His arms until that day arrives. :)

Favor

Please pray for me. Thank you.

No go...

Well, I honestly didn't believe I would have to make this post. But, unfortunately, here I sit with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. The IUI did not work for us this time. I am trying to stay positive but the first day is always the hardest. The heartache is almost unbearable and the cramps don't make it any easier. I'm not really sure where this road is taking me but I'm hopeful that I will come to the end of it soon. Right now I'm just praying for God to mend my broken heart and give me peace to get through today......because that is the only way to get through this......one day at a time. As much as I am hurting right now it so comforting to know that He is with me. His Word tells us that He is right there with us during hard times......even though we feel like he is so far removed that we may never feel His presence again. Here are just a few examples of scripture that tell us this.

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39

When I started typing this post I was in tears and didn't want to face the day. But after reading through His Word to find these verses, I am already starting to feel the peace that I am praying for. I'm not saying that the next few days will not still be hard, but they will be a little easier knowing that I serve such a loving God.

Mother's Day IUI

We had our first IUI on Mother's Day!! How awesome is that??!! Everything went well and we are just having to wait it out to see if it worked. I go back to the doctor on Monday to have my Progesterone checked which will confirm ovulation. I am praying without ceasing that God is knitting our baby in my womb right this very minute. And, as he tells us to do in His Word, I am already thanking Him for it!! I'll let you all know as soon as I know!!! Please keep us in your prayers!!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD..” 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Let the Countdown Begin!!

Well, today is Cycle Day 1!!! I am doing my first IUI this cycle and I am very excited about it!!! My sister and her husband surprised me a few weeks ago with a blank check to cover the cost of the IUI!! I am so thankful that God put it on their hearts to do something so kind!! And so thankful that they agreed to do it!! I could never thank them enough for doing this for us. We are so excited that we could potentially be expecting in just a few short weeks! As I said in my last post, I have decided that I am going to BELIEVE that this is going happen, no matter what. I believe that God has a plan and that it involves me and my husband becoming parents. I am truly blessed to serve such an amazing God!!

Good Friday!

There are really only a few words to reflect upon over this upcoming weekend....

"He is not here, He has risen...." Matthew 28:6

Praise you God!!!

Answers to Life's Questions

I try my best to read my Bible in the mornings before I start my day. I am amazed at how much better I handle things that come at me during the day when I do this. I still haven't read through the entire Bible yet (ashamed to say that when I am 30 years old.....I have had more than enough time) but I have completely read through the New Testament. I was reading my daily Proverb this morning and decided to read a little bit more. I turned to Mark and read a verse that I have read numerous times. But something different happened to me when I read it this morning. It was one of those moments where a light bulb went off in my head and I said, "Yes!", that is the answer. All this time I have been doubting God. That is very hard to admit, but that is exactly what I've been doing. Mark 11:22-25 says this:

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

I have to believe with all my heart that God is going to bless me with a child. And from now on that is exactly the attitude that I will have. Granted, there will still be hard days but I have to know that "If I believe it, I will receive it." God is so good. Some days we just seem to forget that we can find the answers to any of life's questions in His Word! How awesome is that?!

Down but not out..

Well, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't really had much to say about infertility lately. I had gotten to a really good place where I just wasn't thinking about it as much. I knew we had a plan in place and felt good about it. My husband and I took a much needed vacation to Gatlinburg in February and had a GREAT time! But as we were leaving Gatlinburg and driving down the Parkway I think we both had the same feeling inside. We have gone to Gatlinburg the past three years in a row. This last trip was just different. Like I said, we had a great time but it just felt like something was missing. As we were leaving my husband said, "I think we should probably wait to come back to Gatlinburg once we have kids." I couldn't have agreed more. I knew it was going to be a little bit before we could do the IUI but now I'm starting to get a little antsy. I am so scared to do it because if it doesn't work I'm afraid I will have to be put in a mental institution. But, at the same time, I have a peace about it knowing that God's perfect plan for my life will take place no matter what. I think we are going to be able to do the first IUI in May. So, fingers crossed and prayers going on up that it will work and our family will finally be complete. I'll keep you all posted on our progress.

Welcome to our home, Berni!

We added a new member to our family yesterday. He is a 2 year old mini-schnauzer. My cousin is moving to Germany and won't be able to take him. So, after careful consideration, we decided to adopt Berni. He is such a great dog!! He was already crate trained and house trained so all the hard work is pretty much done. We just get to love on him!! Last night was his first night with us and you would have thought he'd been with us from the beginning. He is that good of a dog! We were sad to take him from his family because we know that they loved him sooo much but we are so happy and blessed to make him a part of ours. Thanks to Cindy and Mark for letting us adopt their precious Berni!!

Scripture

As I have been going through infertility, I stumbled upon a few websites for women struggling with it. In some ways it helped to know that I'm not alone. But, it has also broken my heart to see so many of these women struggling without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal saviour. I am from the South so I use to assume that everyone was a Christian.....everyone I knew was. But as I have gotten older, and especially in the past 5 years or so, I have realized that I was so wrong. I don't how people can deal with life without having Jesus walk with them. I have also realized that people who aren't saved get very angry if you even mention Christianity. It truly saddens me. But, the Bible tells me that this is the way it is going to be. So, with that being said, I just want to share some scripture that helps me get through the hard times. And let me also say, "Thank you Lord so very, very much for the trials and tribulations in my life. They only make my relationship with you stronger and nothing could be better than that."

James 1:2-18

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

I think I have finally reached numbness....

Well, I have officially said goodbye to my 20's and anxiously look forward to my 30's. They say your 30's are the best years of your life, so here's hoping that "they" are right. I get excited about my thirties when I think that I might get to experience parenthood. But the thought of it not happening makes my thirties a little less exciting. I know I should just be thankful that I am so blessed but sometimes it's harder than others.

I had been doing pretty good with everything for a bit. Finally getting an answer as to what has been causing our infertility was really good for me. Since we couldn't really afford to do the IUI right now, I decided to take a few months off of the "ttc" mindset. I have started working out again and already feel so much better. I actually have energy again.

But, it seems like every time I think I have finally dealt with this whole thing someone else I know gets pregnant. It's just weird. In this case, I already had an overwhelming feeling that my neighbor was pregnant. But when I got the official news last night I felt the same mixed emotions as usual. So, so, so happy for her (they have struggled with infertility as well) but sadness deep inside for me. I still think I have come a long way because I didn't have meltdown and start crying uncontrollably. But, I was just about to fall asleep when I got the text and my eyes immediately popped wide open and I could not go to sleep. It was a very odd feeling. I just felt numb. I just thought to myself, "Really?" It's strange because I'm so used to everyone around me getting pregnant that I almost expect it now. It's pretty much like clockwork. Each time a friend who is already pregnant gets close to their due date, another one announces they are expecting. If I ever hear of anyone else having trouble getting pregnant (which is very rare), I tell them just to hang around me for a little while and it will happen for them. And it does....

I don't know what God has planned for me. I can only keep praying that he will see my broken heart and heal it. Because after all, "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." How true.....

The Big 3-0

Well, tomorrow is the day I've been dreading for a little while now. I will turn 30. I can't believe it. It seriously seems like only yesterday I was starting high school. But, it wasn't yesterday. It was a loooong time ago and I guess I better get used to it.

I never thought 30 would bother me. I'm pretty sure that not having any children yet is the only reason I'm letting it get to me so badly. I just thought for sure that I would have them by now. Oh well.

Today is Cycle Day 6 for me. I was supposed to do my first IUI next week, but the chances of that are looking pretty slim right now. Unfortunately, I just really can't afford it. It's not expensive when you compare it to IVF but it is when you compare it to my bank account. haha. But, I figure that if it was meant to be then I will come up with the money somehow. And if not then I'll just wait until I can find a way to pay for it. The waiting game continues......

God is Good......All the time.

After 2 years of trying to get pregnant I finally know why it hasn't happened. I had a test done on Friday that told us what was going on. I must warn you that this is a little graphic but it is what it is.... Apparently, my cervical mucus is killing my hubby's swimmers. Sounds bad but turns out this is a good thing. At least we know what the problem is now and it seems to be an easy fix. We will do an IUI in January. For those of you who don't know....IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. This will bypass the cervix. Hopefully, this will work and we will have a Baby Hughes within the next year. Please say a prayer for us. We have been waiting on this for soooo long.

And the results are in!!!

I had my HSG done on Tuesday and everything looked great!! My doctor said my uterus and fallopian tubes were textbook!!! Woohoo!!! My husband had his S/A done yesterday and we got the results back this morning. Let's just say when it comes to his count, he is definitely an over-achiever! haha His count and motility were both above-average! We are thrilled! While we still have a long way to go (well, I have to go through some more testing) we are so happy to get positive results from both of these tests. We were both very nervous. In the midst of all these tests and the years of pain and suffering, I have to take a minute to thank God for blessing me with my husband and, believe it or not, infertility. As I have said a billion times, infertility has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But.....it has brought my husband and I so much closer than I ever thought possible. We have a deeper love for each other, a better understanding of each other and deeper respect for each other. I heard a song the other day for the first time and absolutely loved it. Marriage is so hard at times and this song describes it so well. Thank you God for blessing my marriage and thank you Josh for being the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for. I love you.

Hope you enjoy this song as much as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtTa81LyuQM

Hoping for some answers....

Well, thanks to the good Lord up above, I got through the last couple of weeks and managed to hang on to what sanity I have left. The beginning of every cycle is the most horrific pain. You always think the next cycle will be easier to swallow but it never is. Hopefully one day that will change but I'm definitely not holding my breath.

The good news is I finally saw a new doctor and I am already feeling better about this whole process. I feel like I finally have some direction and we will finally get some answers as to what is causing our infertility. We have a lot of different tests scheduled for the next few weeks. I am going tomorrow to have an HSG. They will send some dye into my tubes and uterus to check for any blockages, fibroids, etc. I'm not looking forward to this because I have heard it is not very comfortable but at least I will finally get some answers. Some long awaited answers. We have a few other tests to schedule over the next few weeks. I will go back to my doctor in early January to discuss the results. Hopefully we will find out what the problem is and what we can do to fix it.

So tired....

I am sooo tired of this. The disappointment continues month after month. I'm really starting to wonder just how much one person can take. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind here. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of wanting to avoid my friends for fear that I might have to suffer through yet another story about their children. I'm tired of feeling left out because my friends share a common bond that I don't. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. I'm tired of taking my temperature every single morning, getting my hopes up when it shoots up and then having my hopes come crashing down on top of me when it drops the next day. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle where the pain is just about unbearable. I'm back in that place where I don't want to be around ANYONE. I don't want to go to work and I don't want to see my friends. I just want to sit at home alone and cry. Although I know it isn't the case, I feel like God is punishing me. I don't understand this path he has had me on for almost 4 years now. 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Can you even imagine trying to get pregnant for 4 years? Seeing everyone you know get pregnant, watching them have their babies, and then seeing them get pregnant with their second child???!!! Excruciating. My heart has never been so broken. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever get past this. What if God never gives me the child that I so desparately long for? What will I do? How will I cope? Will I ever be the person I used to be before infertility?

If you are reading this and have never dealt with infertility then I am sorry you are having to read this rant as I'm sure you can't relate to this at all. If you are suffering with infertility, I hope you don't let my bad attitude today get you down. I surely don't intend to do that. But unfortunately I don't really have anyone to talk to about this who truly understands, so getting my frustrations out on this blog seems to be my only option for now. I hope that I'm just having a bad couple of days and that I will feel better after Thursday. I'm going to see a new doctor and praying with everything I have that he will be able to help me. I just don't know how much more I can take...

A Day in the Life of the Infertile Woman......

Many of you have probably already seen this video, but I feel it necessary to share. This video says it all.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

What God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility...

I found this post on a random blog and thought it was wonderfully written.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

I realize God knows what he's doing. I haven't been forsaken or forgotten. I'm still learning through this process. I just pray that I'm on the downhill side of this lesson.....I'm tired, but I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, and that we'll get through this and come out better for it in the end.

The Truth Hurts.....

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I've come to terms with this whole infertility thing and it doesn't bother me anymore. To be honest, it seems like every month gets harder instead of easier. I keep waiting and praying for this epiphany where one morning I wake up and decide that I'm ok with life without children. But that hasn't happened yet and I'm having a very difficult time.

Infertility is something that you just never see coming. Your whole life you see people getting pregnant "accidentally." And you just always assume that when "you" are ready, it will just happen. Fortunately, for most people it does. They decide they are ready start a family and they get exactly what they want in the time frame they want it. But then there is that small percentage of people who pray and pray and pray and try and try and try and it just never seems to happen. I have literally had to watch over 30 close friends or relatives have babies over the past 3 1/2 years since I miscarried. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I get so angry and envious of these people who I care deeply about. I don't want to hear about their children, or how miserable they are being pregnant, or how they are going to decorate their nursery, or what they are going to name the baby, or........I could go on and on but all it does is make me sound like a horrible person. And that is the worst thing about infertility. You have all of these feelings building up inside and you don't know where they are coming from or what to do with them. No one talks about it. And after a while, no one wants to hear about it anymore.

I truly believe that most women who suffer from infertility have the same feelings that I do. Most women are just scared to say it because they don't want people to know how they are feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to cope with this. My 30th birthday is in a few months and all I can think about is being 30 and not having any children yet. I know that I am so blessed with so many wonderful things in my life that I don't deserve.......so why am I so obsessed over this??? Hopefully one day I will figure out the answer to that question, but until then I will just continue to pray. If you are going through infertility, NEVER stop praying. HE is the only way to get through such a difficult time.....no matter what the outcome may be. I have to remind myself of this every day.