Where do I even begin???

So much has happened since the last time I posted.  My father was hospitalized on October 3, 2012.  He didn't leave until March!  It was such an up and down roller coaster the entire time he was there.  He would get worse, then better, then worse, then better.  We were all exhausted physically and emotionally by the time he got to go home.  I can only imagine how hard it was for him.  I was so blessed during this time though because I got to leave my full time job and work part time.  I was able to go to hospital every day after work and spend time with him and my mom.  After he came home in March, I would go to their house three days a week and spend a few hours with them.  I could never thank the Lord enough for that time.  My father went home to be with the Lord on June 13, 2013.  I never could have imagined how hard it would be to lose a parent.  It made this infertility stuff seem irrelevant really.  I can only thank God for the wonderful earthly father that he blessed me with and the wonderful 32 years that I got to spend with him.  As much as I miss him every single day I have to smile knowing that he is standing face to face with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I can't even imagine what that must be like.  I can't imagine the pain of losing a loved one when you haven't put your faith in Jesus.  He has given me a peace like I have never known and I could have never gotten through this without Him.

Now, on a happier note.  Back in April my hubby and I decided that we needed to start living a healthier lifestyle.  So we went INSANE.  Yes, we started the insanity workout and it is definitely titled correctly.  We did the meal plan and everything.  We were ready for a change and boy did we get one....  Week One came and I held up pretty well.  It was hard but I felt good about it.  As Week Two started I got a little discouraged.  I felt like the workout should be getting easier but I found myself having a harder time getting through it.  On Tuesday of Week Two I felt sick all day long.  So, what would any infertile do when feeling sick at her stomach?  That's right, I stopped and got a dollar store pregnancy test on my way home from work.  To my surprise, it was POSITIVE!!!  I could not believe it!  That was the last thing in the world I expected to see.  I had finally gotten to the point where I was imagining how great life could be without children.  I was dreaming of vacations, shopping sprees (I don't even really like to shop.. ha), expensive restaurants, etc..  So much for all that!!  I immediately called my fertility doctor to schedule an appointment.  We had stopped fertility treatment long ago but I was still seeing him to get my Thyroid under control.  I went in the next morning for blood work.  I was definitely pregnant.  But I was still holding my breath until Friday morning when I went back for more blood work to make sure my numbers were doubling.  That was the longest few hours of my life.  They finally called me around lunch to tell me that everything was looking great and we scheduled an ultrasound for six weeks.  That next two weeks took FOREVER!!

Now, if you have followed my story you know how long we have been trying to pregnant and I have been very honest about the ups and downs of infertility.  What happened at my six week ultrasound was absolutely the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.  As my husband and I nervously sat there waiting on the nurse to start I thought I may throw up a little bit.  LOL.  It was at our first ultrasound over five years ago when we were told that there was no heartbeat.  So needless to say this was a big day for us.  What happened next was no doubt a miracle.  Not only was there a heartbeat, there were TWO heartbeats.  YES!!  IDENTICAL TWINS!!!!!!  It took the nurse telling us about five times before we finally believed her!  I still can't believe it most days.  We found out on August 21 that we will be welcoming identical twin girls. :)  We are so thrilled and thankful to God for these two little miracles.  I never could have imagined that He would bless us with two at the same time. 

These last 6 years have been some of the best and some of the worst days of my life.  God has taught me so much about myself, my marriage, my family and most of all, Him.  He is so patient and so kind.  No matter how many times I have messed up He has always been there to pick up the pieces.  His Grace overwhelms me.  His timing is so perfect.  I was able to tell my father that I was pregnant with twins before he passed away.  I am so very thankful that he knew because I know how much he wanted this to happen for us.  I miss him more than words could ever express but these two little blessings make the days and nights a little easier.  If anyone actually reads this and takes anything from it, I hope it is that we serve an awesome God who loves us more than we could ever imagine.  I didn't know if I would ever get to experience the miracle of pregnancy but I knew that God had a plan for my life.  The more I trusted His plan the more at peace I became.  He loves us and knows what is best for us, even when we don't understand.  If you have never given your life to Jesus Christ, I urge you to do so.  He will give you peace like you have never known.  I promise it will be the best decision you will ever make.  God Bless.

Jamie

So few days, so many emotions...

Well, I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  To be honest, I just got tired of talking about infertility.  I really started trying to pour my heart into God.  My husband and I started attending a new church and I really started enjoying life again.  I went from working full-time to working part-time.  Life was looking good.  Then, out of nowhere, it got even better!!

I was getting ready for work a few weeks ago (it was a Wednesday morning) and I saw a pregnancy test in the back of my cabinet.  An unused pregnancy test that I didn't know about - how could this be??  I realized that for the first time in years, I had no idea what cycle day it was.  So, just for fun (yes, peeing on sticks is fun for me...) I decided to take the test.  I was running a little late so I took the test with me.  By 10:00 that morning I had convinced myself that there was a very faint line on that test.  By 1:00 when I left work, I had convinced myself that I was crazy and there was definitely no line there.  And once again, before I got home, I convinced myself that I should at least stop and get a better test.  The original was a $1 test from Walmart.  So, I did.  I stopped and got a Clearblue Easy test from Dollar General.  Now for those of you that have never struggled with infertility, this doesn't mean anything to you.  But for those of you who have, you may know that blue dye tests might as well be sold straight from the hands of the devil himself.  They will sometimes give you horrible false positives.  I got home and took the test and, to my complete shock, it was positive!!  I couldn't believe it!!  I hit my knees and began crying uncontrollably!  Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God!!!!!  I have never cried so many happy tears in my life!!!!  But then it hit me - this is blue dye, what if it's a false positive?  I immediately got in my car and drove to get a First Response test - the test of all tests.  I got home and sure enough, it was positive!!  This was my first positive test in FIVE years!!!  I had to wait almost 2 hours for Josh to get home.  It was the LONGEST 2 hours of my life!  I couldn't wait to tell him!!!  I wrapped up my tests in a box and had it sitting in his chair when he got home.  I set up the video camera and recorded the whole thing.  It was priceless.  He was in shock!

The next morning I woke up thinking it all must have been a dream.  But it wasn't, and I was the happiest girl in the world!  I took a digital test just to see the word Pregnant.  It was as wonderful as I had imagined it would be.  We both promised that we weren't going to tell anyone since we knew all too well the feeling of having to tell everyone that we miscarried.  But by the end of the day we had told our parents and our siblings, plus our closest friends.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  We were just so thrilled.  That was Thursday....

On Friday night we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate.  We went to our usual spot and even told our waitress that we were pregnant.  I think my husband was glowing more than I was. lol  When we left I talked him into going to Walmart to buy a book of baby names.  While we were there we even walked through the baby section just to look at all the stuff.  Thank goodness I didn't buy anything but the book.  It was so nice to see baby stuff and pregnant women and experience joy instead of sadness.

When we got home I remembered that I still had one more digital test left.  I just wanted to see those words again so I took my last test.  I left it in the bathroom and went to put some clothes in the dryer.  A few minutes went by and I went back to check the test.  I grabbed the test with a huge smile on my face and saw the most horrible two words ever.. Not Pregnant.  WHAT??  Oh no!!!!!  Not again!!!!  I was devastated.  Uncontrollable tears immediately starting falling.  My husband thought I was just freaking out for no reason at first.  Then I explained to him what was probably happening.  I went to Walmart at 9:00 on a Friday night to buy another test.  I got home as soon as I could and took it.  Negative.  I was crushed.  I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning every part of my being hoped that it was all a bad dream.  But it wasn't, and I knew I was going to miscarry.  I had myself one good last cry.  I had to go to our nephew's birthday party so I knew I had to get myself together quickly.  I took a shower and prayed the entire time I was in there.  When I got out I decided I needed to listen to some music.  I put in Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns and started getting ready.  The first time I listened to it I hit my knees, raised my hands, cried like a baby and sang as loud as I could.  Then I just listened to it over and over again.  Each time got a little easier and by the last time I was smiling as I sang along.  I felt a peace come over me like never before. I knew at that moment that God was holding me in His hands and everything was going to be alright.  I'm not going to lie - the next few days were not easy. The bleeding started the next day and I was sad.  But I was also thankful.  I was so thankful for those precious few days that I got to say I was pregnant.  I will never forget them.

Five years and counting and we still don't have our baby.  But that's ok.  I still have hope.  My hope is in the Lord.  And that is all the Hope I need.  God Bless!

Faith

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."   Matthew 6:33

If only I had been doing this for the past 5 years.  My life could be a lot different right now.  Thank you God for giving me eyes to see and ears to hear what you have been trying to tell me all along.  I believe.

I give up..

Let me start by saying that this is not going to be an inspirational post by any means.  While I don't wish for anyone struggling with infertility to feel this way, it is just simply the way I'm feeling right now.  Simply put, I GIVE UP.  I'm tired of "trying".  I'm tired of people telling me that "it will happen".  Unfortunately, I don't believe that anymore.  I've tried to get pregnant for so long that I can't even it imagine it actually happening for me.  I used to sit and daydream about being fat and feeling nauseated (hard to imagine someone actually daydreaming about these things).  But for me it has been a sad reality.  I would give anything to experience the so-called agony that pregnant women experience.  It's not that I've lost my faith in God, it's just that I'm coming to terms with reality.  Obviously it's not His plan for me to have children.  I can't get pregnant and I can't afford adoption.  I'll never understand why women who have no business having children can have as many as they want (or don't want for that matter).  I'll never understand why I see so many women who have so much faith in God, try their best to be good women (while never claiming to be good) and who pray without ceasing never get their miracle.  It doesn't make any sense to me and it never will.  I can only hope that one day, when I meet my maker face to face, that He will explain it to me.  Or maybe at that point I won't even care.  What a day that would be - to really not care anymore.  The desire to be a mommy will never leave my heart.  I have prayed so many times for God to take this desire away from me but unfortunately it is still there.  So I just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me.  I have to be happy for others who get pregnant so easily because it just makes me look like an awful person if I'm not.  Infertilitly sure is a tricky little sucker.  Just when you think you have come so far and grown so much - BAM!!!!! - these feelings of anger, jealously, resentment, sadness and envy come creeping right back up on you.  And the saddest part of it all is that there is no one to turn to.  No one understands.  The only way I can get my feelings out is to type them on this blog as if I'm in 2nd grade again writing in my diary. So to sum up my pity party - Dear Diary:  I GIVE UP!! 

Words to live by..

If we could all remind ourselves of this everyday, it would make our lives so much easier...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21