Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians 4:6

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

So few days, so many emotions...

Well, I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  To be honest, I just got tired of talking about infertility.  I really started trying to pour my heart into God.  My husband and I started attending a new church and I really started enjoying life again.  I went from working full-time to working part-time.  Life was looking good.  Then, out of nowhere, it got even better!!

I was getting ready for work a few weeks ago (it was a Wednesday morning) and I saw a pregnancy test in the back of my cabinet.  An unused pregnancy test that I didn't know about - how could this be??  I realized that for the first time in years, I had no idea what cycle day it was.  So, just for fun (yes, peeing on sticks is fun for me...) I decided to take the test.  I was running a little late so I took the test with me.  By 10:00 that morning I had convinced myself that there was a very faint line on that test.  By 1:00 when I left work, I had convinced myself that I was crazy and there was definitely no line there.  And once again, before I got home, I convinced myself that I should at least stop and get a better test.  The original was a $1 test from Walmart.  So, I did.  I stopped and got a Clearblue Easy test from Dollar General.  Now for those of you that have never struggled with infertility, this doesn't mean anything to you.  But for those of you who have, you may know that blue dye tests might as well be sold straight from the hands of the devil himself.  They will sometimes give you horrible false positives.  I got home and took the test and, to my complete shock, it was positive!!  I couldn't believe it!!  I hit my knees and began crying uncontrollably!  Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God!!!!!  I have never cried so many happy tears in my life!!!!  But then it hit me - this is blue dye, what if it's a false positive?  I immediately got in my car and drove to get a First Response test - the test of all tests.  I got home and sure enough, it was positive!!  This was my first positive test in FIVE years!!!  I had to wait almost 2 hours for Josh to get home.  It was the LONGEST 2 hours of my life!  I couldn't wait to tell him!!!  I wrapped up my tests in a box and had it sitting in his chair when he got home.  I set up the video camera and recorded the whole thing.  It was priceless.  He was in shock!

The next morning I woke up thinking it all must have been a dream.  But it wasn't, and I was the happiest girl in the world!  I took a digital test just to see the word Pregnant.  It was as wonderful as I had imagined it would be.  We both promised that we weren't going to tell anyone since we knew all too well the feeling of having to tell everyone that we miscarried.  But by the end of the day we had told our parents and our siblings, plus our closest friends.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  We were just so thrilled.  That was Thursday....

On Friday night we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate.  We went to our usual spot and even told our waitress that we were pregnant.  I think my husband was glowing more than I was. lol  When we left I talked him into going to Walmart to buy a book of baby names.  While we were there we even walked through the baby section just to look at all the stuff.  Thank goodness I didn't buy anything but the book.  It was so nice to see baby stuff and pregnant women and experience joy instead of sadness.

When we got home I remembered that I still had one more digital test left.  I just wanted to see those words again so I took my last test.  I left it in the bathroom and went to put some clothes in the dryer.  A few minutes went by and I went back to check the test.  I grabbed the test with a huge smile on my face and saw the most horrible two words ever.. Not Pregnant.  WHAT??  Oh no!!!!!  Not again!!!!  I was devastated.  Uncontrollable tears immediately starting falling.  My husband thought I was just freaking out for no reason at first.  Then I explained to him what was probably happening.  I went to Walmart at 9:00 on a Friday night to buy another test.  I got home as soon as I could and took it.  Negative.  I was crushed.  I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning every part of my being hoped that it was all a bad dream.  But it wasn't, and I knew I was going to miscarry.  I had myself one good last cry.  I had to go to our nephew's birthday party so I knew I had to get myself together quickly.  I took a shower and prayed the entire time I was in there.  When I got out I decided I needed to listen to some music.  I put in Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns and started getting ready.  The first time I listened to it I hit my knees, raised my hands, cried like a baby and sang as loud as I could.  Then I just listened to it over and over again.  Each time got a little easier and by the last time I was smiling as I sang along.  I felt a peace come over me like never before. I knew at that moment that God was holding me in His hands and everything was going to be alright.  I'm not going to lie - the next few days were not easy. The bleeding started the next day and I was sad.  But I was also thankful.  I was so thankful for those precious few days that I got to say I was pregnant.  I will never forget them.

Five years and counting and we still don't have our baby.  But that's ok.  I still have hope.  My hope is in the Lord.  And that is all the Hope I need.  God Bless!