Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians 4:6

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I give up..

Let me start by saying that this is not going to be an inspirational post by any means.  While I don't wish for anyone struggling with infertility to feel this way, it is just simply the way I'm feeling right now.  Simply put, I GIVE UP.  I'm tired of "trying".  I'm tired of people telling me that "it will happen".  Unfortunately, I don't believe that anymore.  I've tried to get pregnant for so long that I can't even it imagine it actually happening for me.  I used to sit and daydream about being fat and feeling nauseated (hard to imagine someone actually daydreaming about these things).  But for me it has been a sad reality.  I would give anything to experience the so-called agony that pregnant women experience.  It's not that I've lost my faith in God, it's just that I'm coming to terms with reality.  Obviously it's not His plan for me to have children.  I can't get pregnant and I can't afford adoption.  I'll never understand why women who have no business having children can have as many as they want (or don't want for that matter).  I'll never understand why I see so many women who have so much faith in God, try their best to be good women (while never claiming to be good) and who pray without ceasing never get their miracle.  It doesn't make any sense to me and it never will.  I can only hope that one day, when I meet my maker face to face, that He will explain it to me.  Or maybe at that point I won't even care.  What a day that would be - to really not care anymore.  The desire to be a mommy will never leave my heart.  I have prayed so many times for God to take this desire away from me but unfortunately it is still there.  So I just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me.  I have to be happy for others who get pregnant so easily because it just makes me look like an awful person if I'm not.  Infertilitly sure is a tricky little sucker.  Just when you think you have come so far and grown so much - BAM!!!!! - these feelings of anger, jealously, resentment, sadness and envy come creeping right back up on you.  And the saddest part of it all is that there is no one to turn to.  No one understands.  The only way I can get my feelings out is to type them on this blog as if I'm in 2nd grade again writing in my diary. So to sum up my pity party - Dear Diary:  I GIVE UP!!